


Baby Can I Hold You

by ourwritinginvein



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Comforting Each Other, F/M, PTSD, arrow season 4 hiatus, havenrock, oliver protecting felicity, ptsd felicity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 03:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7668271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourwritinginvein/pseuds/ourwritinginvein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felicity is showing signs of PTSD, and Oliver helps her with it.<br/>Season Four Hiatus Fic based on my Olicity Wish</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Can I Hold You

**Author's Note:**

> Season Four Hiatus Fic based on my Olicity Wish

Oliver parked his motorcycle out front, and took a deep breath. Felicity had lunch with Curtis and Paul earlier today, and Curtis called to say that Felicity had been unusually quiet, and jumpy. He assured Curtis that he would check on her after work, and to relax. Now here he was standing outside her door…just standing there. Maybe he should’ve called and told her he was gonna swing by, maybe he should just leave.

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He heard a squeak from inside, and knew that he had startled Felicity.

“Who is it,” she asked. Her voice was shaking…like she was scared.

“Felicity, it’s me. Oliver,” he added when there was no response from her side.

He waited for her to open the door, but he couldn’t hear her footsteps.

“Felicity,” he said softly. “Will you _please_ open the door?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she replied quickly as if she was refocussing on their conversation. “Um, coming.”

He heard the quiet noises of her footsteps on the wooden floor, and a second later the door was opened for him. Before he could get a word in, or even get a look at her, she turned away and started walking towards the kitchen.

“Come in,” she told him. “You must be hungry. I’ll make you something to eat, or well, I _would but_ I’m a terrible cook, so how about I make you a cup of coffee? Yeah, coffee’s good,” she answered herself as she reached up to get the coffee powder off a shelf.

Oliver closed the door behind him, and studied her carefully. She was babbling which was so…Felicity, but there was something off about her babbling that concerned him. She still hid her face from him, and she was shaking, it was subtle, but it was there. Oliver slowly walked up to her, and made sure to make noises letting her know that he was there so he wouldn’t startle her again.

“Felicity,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” she answered with her head still down,

“Look at me.”

“Coffee.”

“Look at me, Felicity.”

She sighed and rested both her hands on the kitchen table on either side of the coffee mug.

“I can’t,” she whispered.

He didn’t push her to do something she wasn’t ready to do, but he wasn’t going to let this go.

“Felicity, tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Noth-“

“And _don’t_ say nothing. The truth please.”

She was silent again.

“Felicity,” he whispered touching her shoulder. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me in.”

“Sound familiar?”

“…”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped.”

“No, by all means. I deserved that.”

“…”

“You don’t have to talk about it at this moment, but I’m not leaving until you tell me. Okay?”

She nodded.

“Go sit on the couch, and relax. I’ll make us something to eat.”

She turned around, and Oliver saw that she was still pale from being frightened earlier, not only that but she had bags under her eyes which could clearly be seen now that she was make up free. She threw her arms around him and held him tightly.

“Thank you,” she whispered to him.

He hugged her back, and kissed the top of her head. “You never have to thank me. Ever.”

She nodded, and then finally let go. She went over to the couch, and turned on the tv, and he walked over to the fridge and pulled out some vegetables. It was a good thing that he was still doing the grocery shopping for Felicity every once in a while, otherwise they’d be eating yogurt and dinosaur chicken nuggets.

“Do you want to see the sports highlights,” she asked.

“No,” he replied.”You go on and watch what you like…anything but the news.”

She froze at that. “Why _not_?”

“… _Because_ the crime rate still isn’t down, and it’ll give you a headache? Are you alright?”

“Yeah, fine. I’m just gonna watch this.”

“Spongebob?”

“Yeah, spongebob.”

Oliver shrugged and gave in. “If that’s what you want.”

She nodded, and they both went back to what they were doing. He decided to use the slow cooker-truth be told he missed it almost as he missed Felicity-and make a lemon garlic chicken and pasta. And for dessert he decided to make two of Felicity’s favourites-chocolate cake, and vanilla tapioca pudding-both made from the slow cooker as well.

He had just finished cooking the pasta, when he heard Felicity gasp loudly. He turned to find her sitting upright with her hand on her heart, and she was breathing heavily.

“Felcity,” he ran over to her. “Hey, _hey_ , _**hey**_ , I’m right here. I’m _here_. You’re okay,” he hugged her. “I’m here. You’re safe.”

She gulped and hugged him back.

“You’re okay,” he repeated to her. “You’re okay.”

She stayed in his arms for a few more minutes before pulling away.

“Sor-“

“Don’t apologise.”

She smiled at that.

“What,” he asked as he moved his hands up and down her arms in an attempt to soothe her.

“We’ve switched roles. You used to be the one to apologise non stop and I’d be the one telling you to shut up.”

He smiled, “Progress,” he winked at her.

“Is dinner ready,” she asked.

“Almost. Another fifteen minutes. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I’m actually going to watch something I enjoy now,” she said taking the remote and changing the channel. Oliver smiled as she flipped through the channels, before getting up and moving back to the kitchen. His mind was racing with thoughts but he forced himself to calm down. She’d tell him over dinner, she would…or else he wouldn’t leave. As he went back to cooking he could hear Popeye playing in the background. Oliver smiled.

“Cartoon mood?”

“There’s nothing else on,” she told him.

“Why do you need anything else? Popeye is a classic.”

“You just think Betty Boop is hot.”

“ _Everyone_ thinks she’s hot.”

“Not me.”

He turned to her with his brows raised.

“Okay, I think she’s hot too,” she admitted.

He shook his head and went back to cooking.

Ten minutes later Oliver had finished cooking, and the episode Felicity was watching had just finished.

“Need help setting the table,” she asked grabbing two plates.

“Yes please,” he told her as he walked around her to get forks and spoons.

They set the table together in silence, and then she sat down and he served the food for her. He watched her carefully as she rose the fork to her mouth, but then at the last second put it down.

“I just- I’m not that hungry.”

Oliver got up from his seat which was across from hers and moved over to the seat right next to her.

“Felicity,” he began but she cut him off.

“I’m just not hungry. I’ll eat later.”

“That’s what you told Curtis at lunch today.”

“…”

“Felicity. Will you tell me what’s wrong now?”

“…”

“Felicity-“

“Lisa Hayden, Paul Gilder, Ronald Tumold, Francis Khan, Danielle Prince, Harold Jecar, Smith Paulson,” she sobbed.

Oliver hugged her as she continued to list names, and sob into his neck.

“Felicity,” he asked when she stopped to catch her breath. “Who are these people?”

He already knew, but he needed her to say it.

“They were people who lived in Havenrock. _Lived_ , because they’re _dead_ now, because _I killed them_ ,” she broke down.

“You didn’t kill them honey,” he whispered to her as he held her tightly. The word just slipped out. He didn’t mean to, he knew that they weren’t on those terms anymore, but his heart broke for her, and he just needed her to know that he still loved her like he did before. She didn’t comment on it though, what she did comment on was actually worse.

“Yes _I did_ kill them Oliver,” she demanded. “Just because I saved those million people doesn’t make it better that I only killed tens of thousands! I chose the lesser of two evils! I _t’s still evil_!”

“Felicity-“

“I hate myself,” she sobbed.

“Stop that,” he scolded her. “Don’t you _dare_ hate yourself.”

“I’m a murderer. I’m a bad person!”

“Felicity Meghan Smoak, there isn’t one thing on this planet that could make you a bad person. No,” he continued before she could interrupt. “Hear me out. _Yes_ , those people died, but it does not make you bad person sweetheart. You feeling bad about it, regardless of the fact that you saved millions of others, proves that there _is_ good in you. There’s so much good in you Felicity. I’ve killed people-“

“That was self defence-“

“You and I both know that I’ve killed people out of spite, anger, revenge, and worse. I’m a murderer-“

“Oliver-“

“I _am._  And you still…well, you loved me at one point despite all that. You saw the good in me when there was only bad, and you made me into a better person than I was before. You are not a bad person Felicity Smoak, and I know that you broke up with me, but I just need you to know that I still love you. I love the good in you Felicity, and it has not disappeared. I _promise_ you that.”

“I see them all the time Oliver,” she whispered. “They keep me awake at night. I can’t eat knowing that they never can again. I can’t sleep knowing that I put them to sleep forever. I research them, and look for articles about them. I’m so scared all the time. Kids died Oliver, babies too. Men, women, elderly, cats, dogs-they all died.”

“I know,” he whispered holding onto her. “I know. I see them too. Not the people from Havenrock, but I see others all the time. I see people I know. I see my dad, Shado, my mom, Tommy, Laurel, Sara. I know Sara’s alive but I took her life from her. Slade killed my mother because of me. Shado is dead because of me. My father killed himself so I could live. I see Adam Hunt, even though he deserved what he got. I see so many people Felicity. When I came back from the island I was diagnosed with PTSD. I couldn’t eat, I barely slept, and when I did I had nightmares, thunder still scares me. I needed help.”

“Do you think I have PTSD,” she asked quietly wiping away her tears.

“I do,” Oliver admitted wiping away a few of her tears. “But you’re not alone. I’m here, and if you need her your mom will-“

“No, I don’t want her to know about this. Please Oliver. Don’t tell anyone.”

Oliver nodded, “As long as it doesn’t get too serious and you can confide in me, I won’t tell a soul.”

She nodded. “How do you cope with it?”

“If I’m being honest?”

“Yes.”

“You,” he admitted. “I know it’s not the answer you want to hear, but it’s true. You made everything easier for me.”

“…What about before me? How did you cope before we were a couple?”

“Meditation. Do you want to try it?”

“How the hell am I supposed to sit quietly for more than five minutes?”

Oliver chuckled at that. “I wouldn’t spend time alone. When I got back from the island I isolated myself from everyone. I felt detached from the world, but then Dig got shot, and I patched him up and well we became partners, and friends. He knew who I was, he knew about my PTSD, and self loathing; I wasn’t hiding anything from him, and he still stuck around. When I was around him it was easier to get used to life. And then you joined the team, and original team arrow became my family.”

“You hate that term,” she smiled.

“It grew on me,” he shrugged. “My point is that even though I didn’t want to eat Dig forced me to. He got through to me when my mom, sister, and best friend couldn’t. You got through to me then when they couldn’t. You were the first person that made me smile, and when you found out about me, and decided to stick around I felt proud. Proud because I knew that if you didn’t believe in me you would’ve walked away. Proud that there was something in me, that made you believe enough to stay. That’s what helped me with my PTSD.”

“I’m surprised I didn’t have PTSD sooner actually,” she murmured.

“What do you mean,” he scrunched his brows.

“Oliver. I was about to drive home one day, and then you grunt from the back seat of my car, bleeding, wearing the hood costume. If that’s not traumatic I don’t know what is!”

Oliver smiled at that. “You’re strong Felicity,” he informed her.

“I don’t feel strong,” she whispered.

“You are.”

“I’m crying all the time Oliver!”

“…Just because you cry doesn’t mean you’re weak…sometimes it means that you’ve been strong for too long.”

“You never cry.”

“Oh Felicity, I cry, I just don’t let you see it.”

“When was the last time you cried?”

“Do I have to be honest?”

“Yes.”

“Two nights ago.”

“…Why?”

“I was baking at night ‘cause I couldn’t sleep, and I made chocolate chip cookies.”

“…”

“You love chocolate chip cookies. I missed you,” he shrugged.

She bit her lip, and then opened her mouth to say something but he cut her off.

“Don’t apologise.”

“…Did you cry the night…y’know?”

“The night you left? Sobbed non stop and the worst part is I couldn’t do anything about it because I screwed up.”

“I remember one night in Bali I woke up in the middle of the night and took a walk outside and when I came back in you were thrashing around on the bed because you had a nightmare.”

“I remember that too.”

“You said that you felt me disappearing and that the nightmares were coming back. After the engagement-y’know. Did the nightmares come back?”

“Yes,” he admitted. “It’s harder to get through the day now, but you’ve taught me to be strong.”

“Me? I’m not strong Oliver.”

“Felicity. I’ve been through hell for five years. That was pretty much my training for this, but you’ve never had training, and since I walked into your life I’ve made it hell. So much has happened to you because of me and-“

“Don’t apologise,” she cut him off. “So much good has happened to me because of you as well. No one has ever loved me the way you loved me Oliver. Sure, no ones tried to kidnap me and kill me, but I feel your love, even now, and I’ll take all the good that’s happened and the bad over the past few years, and I still think the good outweighs the bad.”

“That because you’re a good person,” he smiled. “Now come on. Let’s eat.”

At that Felicity frowned again. “I don’t think I can. Every time I pick up the fork-“

“Then don’t,” he told her.

She furrowed her brows at him.

“Open your mouth.”

“What?”

“Open your mouth,” he repeated.

She opened her mouth, and Oliver raised his fork and fed her a spoonful (forkful?”) of pasta. She closed her mouth but didn’t chew.

“You are the strongest person I know Felicity,” he squeezed her hand. She closed her eyes and chewed and then swallowed. Oliver smiled.

“Ready for another bite?”

“No, but let’s do this.”

An hour later Oliver had fed Felicity one plate of pasta with lemon garlic chicken, and two slices of chocolate cake. He’d left the tapioca for tomorrow knowing that she wasn’t ready for it tonight. He washed the dishes while she went to change into her sleepwear. When he finished drying the last plate he heard her coming downstairs.

“Oliver?”

He turned around, and it was bittersweet to see her wearing one of his old hoodies.

“I hope this isn’t uncomfortable,” she started, “but I need to sleep in this to make me feel less…suffocated.”

“It’s fine,” he smiled. “I always said you looked better in my clothes than I do.”

She smiled. “The thing is…well I just want to say thank you for the meal and-“

“You never have to thank me, Felicity,” he reminded her.

“Right well. I actually have something to ask you, but if you don’t want to I completely understand.”

“If it’s you asking I’ll do it.”

“Can you maybe, possibly spend the night. It’s really hard to sleep, and knowing you’re there-“

“Yes,” he answered.

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well…come on,” she said awkwardly walking up the stairs. Oliver followed her into the room. He pulled off his shoes, and waited for her. Getting into bed was extremely awkward, but once they were both lying down everything came naturally. She cocooned up next to him, and rested one hand on his chest while the other lay at her side. She sat up then.

“What’s wrong,” he asked afraid he did something wrong.

“I can’t do this.”

“Do you want me to sleep on the floor,” he asked getting up.

“No,” she clung to him.

“Okay, then what is it?”

“Your shirt, it needs to go.”

Oliver smiled remembering that Felicity hated when he wore shirts to sleep.

“ _I want to feel you, not the stupid cotton,_ ” she’d say.

He tugged off his shirt and tossed it on the floor, and she held him tightly. He felt her relax, and soon her breathing became heavier. He wrapped an arm around her, and pressed a kiss to the top of her head before letting his eyes close as well. He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, but it wasn’t long enough. He felt Felicity twist and turn under his hold, and she was moaning. He got up and let her go, he watched as she continued to kick, and her breathing sped up

.“No, _no_ , _**no,**_ ” she screamed. She jumped up, and Oliver was ready for her. He caught her and held her down as he whispered soothing words to her as she shook with tears. He rubbed her back until she finally stopped crying.

“I’m sorry Oliver,” she whispered as she wiped a few tears from his neck.

“Hey, there’s nothing to apologise for.”

She nodded and leaned against his chest.

“I saw a little girl playing outside on a playground. She was sitting on the floor counting those rocks in the ground, y’know the shiny ones that sparkle in the sunlight?”

Oliver nodded.

“Well she was handing them to another girl, probably her little sister, and the sister went to go put it with the rest of the pile…and then…and then,” she choked. “And then their bodies were scattered on the floor,” she broke down again.

“Hey, it’s over. You’re awake, it’s over.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Yes, you can. You need to.”

“Oliver, I can’t.”

Oliver shifted so that he was lying down, and she was laying on top of him. He reached for the covers and pulled it up covering them both.

“Oliver-“

“Shh,” he hushed her. “I’m right here. I’m awake now. If the nightmares want to come back, they’ll have to get through me first. I won’t let them get you. I promise.”

“Thank you Oliver.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he whispered as her head grew heavier against his chest. “I will always protect you.”

The last coherent sentence uttered from her mouth was, “I know. I believe you.”

And in the morning when she woke, the demons had left her alone.

“I should’ve known to come to you earlier,” she smiled.

Oliver looked down at her confused.

“You’d do anything to protect me, even my nightmares know that.”

He smiled sadly as he watched her slip out of his arms and into the bathroom. She was still shaking slightly, but it was much better than the night before. He’ be there for her whenever she needed it. For breakfast she had one homemade bagel, and some fruit. She didn’t finish her coffee, but it was a start.

“This is all I can do,”she told him pushing the plate away.

“It’s okay,” he assured her covering her hand with his. “Baby steps.”

She bit her lower lip, and used her other hand to cover his. “Baby steps,” she repeated with a shy smile.


End file.
